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Happy 10th Anniversary, Wet Hot American Summer!

Source: oldmanglasses

San Diego used to be known as the hometown of one Ron Burgandy (What did he say San Diego was named after? Something about a whale…anyway I’m sure I’ll think of it), now it is known as a place that nerds and geeks flock to once a year to commemorate their social awkwardness. They have games, booths, A-list celebrities, B-list celebrities and Megan Fox. So if the socially rejected can have a yearly festival, why can’t Kentucky fans have one as well?

Obviously Kentucky-con should be located in Lexington. It is a good central location where all of big blue nation can meet. Plus it has the capacity for hotel lodging, eating and traffic. Well maybe not traffic, just go with it, ok? The city of Lexington has many K-list celebrities that could be in attendance. Former players live there as well as the entire coaching staff. Think about it, you could talk with Perry Stevenson then attend an Oscar Combs Q&A then work your way over to the nationofblue.com booth. A lot would depend on the scheduling too, of course.

So when should we have Kentucky-Con? The way I see it you have 2 options. 1, you have it in the off-season when nothing else is going on, perhaps in the summer, around this time. The other option is you have it in between or after some big events. Imagine watching Big Blue Madness, going to Kentucky-Con the next day and watching the football team that night. That might be blue overload, but think of everyone who would already be in town. Drake, John Wall, Cousins and maybe even Justin Timberlake (he and Cal are friends don’t you know) could all show up and be celebritized at Kentucky-Con.

Kentucky-Con could also have every Kentucky website accounted for and fans could meet their favorite online personalities. The websites and blogs could only gain exposure by being there. Heck, we could even have blog readings to music on the PA. I know I would read my North Carolina sucks article to hip hop music and have 10 hot babes dancing behind me. That’s how I roll.

Not many fan bases can pull this off. Honestly, to rent out a civic center and have 100,000 fans show up just for the opportunity to see John Calipari in person, I think that is attainable. The question is: where do we go from here? Does UK coordinate this or do I head this bad boy up? Whoever and however this happens I think we all can agree, this needs to happen.

It’s that time again. All of the Southeastern Conference’s finest Dbags line up to be a part of an elite group: The All-Annoying Team. Last year’s squad included some all time great jerks. Punks like the entire Vandy basketball team, Scotty Hopson and of course their leader, 7 time first teamer Chandler Parsons. This year brings in a new class and a new type of vexation. Let’s take a look at the SEC’s Pests (get it? Pests, not Best…hooray wordplay).




The first member of this 2011-2012 Cluster F-troop is Scottie Wilbekin. Did you know that last year Scotty Wilbekin was the youngest player in the SEC? Well, it’s true, the announcers told me so…EVERY FREAKING GAME! Scottie would always light up the cats in the most annoying fashion. Little known fact here, Young Wilbekin-nobe has never missed a 3 point field goal against UK. He is an absolute dead eye mcgee from 3…versus Kentucky. Versus everyone else he shoots a miserable 28% from behind the arc. Add all that to his troll like gotee and he could be on this team for a long time to come.




Uk fans have a soft spot for little basketball people. And by soft spot I mean “makes you want to punch an unconscious sleeping person in the face”. Our second member is also from the Florida Gatoverateds, welcome Erving Walker. Walker stands 5’8 and that’s according to a usually statistically overblown media guide. Walker has not had very good games against Kentucky as of late and that’s ok. In fact his best game was a 20 point performance 2 years ago. Other than that he averages around 8 ppg. Mostly, Erving Walker makes the team because he spells Erving with an “E” and he reminds of us all a little too much of Devin Downey.




John Jenkins is the perfect player for this particular team. He plays for Vandy and he’s actually good at basketball. There can be no more PESTilent (see, I did it again) combo than that. Jenkins has been a thorn in the side of the Wildcats for 2 years and will be until 2017, when he graduates. Kentucky has won only 3 games inside that joke of a basketball gym in the past 11 years. One of those wins was won by a finger tip. Specifically, the fingertip of John Wall, as it blocked a sure-fire 3 point winning shot by Jenkins. Just thinking about playing in Nashville makes me feel like I have athlete’s foot in my butt. This year it will be our athletes’ foot that goes in their butt.




Dee Bost is the only current SEC player that receives discounts on the first Wednesday of the month at Kroger. Seriously, how long has this dude been playing ball for Miss(ing the tourney) State? I mean he has career wins against Tubby, Gilispie and Cal…well not Cal (got a little carried away there). Bost was infamously recognized last year as someone who can’t read. He declared for the draft AFTER being told he couldn’t come back to play college ball. When every team passed on him, he played dumb and the NCAA sustained its ignorant inconsistency. Thus Bost came back to ensure mediocrity would remain in Starkville. I predict Dee Bost will have a magical season full of miracles and dreams coming true…in the NBADL next year.


This team will continue to grow as the season goes on, but for now we have a good start. The head coach could end up being Darren Horn (what is up with that hair?) or it could be newcomer Mike Anderson (he coached the UAB that beat the #1 overall Cats in the tourney right? Damn). However the season turns out, we will recap and add as the team sees fit. 



If you would like to stay off this team this year, Follow these simple rules: 

• Don’t have terrible facial hair
• Play well against every team, not just UK
• If you pound your chest, you better average more than 5 points
• And lastly, don’t be successful against UK. Notice LSU or Auburn aren’t on this list?

After Pittsburgh finished the wildcats off last year, Kentucky took a hit worse than any Big East linebacker could have dished out. Randall Cobb, Derrick Locke and Mike Hartline all left the program in one fell swoop. They accounted for 26 passing TD’s, 15 of the 26 rushing scores and over ¼ of the receiving touchdowns. But if you recall, these 3 playmakers replaced a talented group themselves. That group included Woodson, Tamme, Johnson, Little, and Burton. So can UK and the coaching staff catch lightning in a bottle again? And how does one actually catch lightning in a bottle? Is that even physically possible? It just sounds dangerous.

Replacing Mike Hartline: Morgan Newton - Newton was thrust into a starting roll way earlier than the UK coaching staff would have preferred. Two years ago Newton took over for a ball club that was on a 3 game losing streak and performed admirably. He may not have won the games single handedly, but he did manage the games, moved the chains and most importantly helped his team get the W…albeit as a true freshman. Last year, Newton matured physically and mentally as he was observing and backing up Hartline. Coach Phillips and the staff have been raving about Newton’s arm and they feel he will have a great year in 2011. He was just voted “most irreplaceable” by his teammates and I believe he will represent that title on and off the field this year for this team.

Replacing Randall Cobb: LaRod King and Theltus Cobbins - I may be a little bold in putting a true freshman in a category that is replacing one of the greatest red zone threats in UK history, but I think Cobbins has the potential to be a double or triple threat. He is 6’0 and runs a 4.5 forty. I can’t see the coaching staff letting a talent like that sit on the sidelines (I pray no red shirt), even if quarterback is his primary position. Speed is Speed, I say play the kid. LaRod King had an outstanding year last season and will only build on it. He had 5 touchdown receptions and became a huge red zone target when Cobb and Matthews were covered. Will he be able to step up and be a #1 receiver and playmaker on his own?

Replacing Derrick Locke: Raymond Sanders - The coaching staff, last year had to make a decision on the running back of the near future. It was between Raymond Sanders and Russell Williams. Williams wasn’t happy with the playing time after Locke went down, but probably because UK was trying to run a similar offense with a similar type back as Locke. Thus Sanders won out. He performed his best game of his short career against Georgia with 79 yards on just 16 carries. He followed that up with a 71 yard showing against Mississippi State. Can you name another UK freshman running back that had 2 70+ yard performances? Derrick Locke, against Kent State and Florida.

Replacing the entire defense: An older, stronger and wiser defense - Ok, so the defense didn’t lose that many guys. DeQuin Evans will be replaced by Collins Ukwu, a junior Defensive End who had 26 tackles and 1 sack last season. The other big name on D that will require replacement is Ricky Lumpkin. Mister Cobble will take his spot and I love me some Mister Cobble. I believe UK fans, by season’s end will love him too. We have heard the hype and we have been patient. It’s now time for Mister to show what he can do. He had one tackle to his credit for all of last year; let’s hope he multiplies that by 60. I love the returning list of characters on this “Minter fresh” defense. I love Neloms’ athleticism and Mychal Bailey’s hustle. And what else can be said about Danny Trevathan. In 2010, he was a man among boys. He recorded 144 tackles and caught the eye of every single offense in the SEC. This defense is a year older and with new leadership very well could be the strength of this ball club (behind the offensive line of course).

We may have lost some good guys, but we return some really good guys. The past is in the past, and UK football should only look forward. Let’s hope these guys continue on what their predecessors started and maintained and I think they will.

In a world, where good meets evil, only one shall be triumphant. Kentucky has been battling evil doers since the beginning of time (or 1903). And much like modern day comic book villains, the hate stays the same but the faces and names change. While heroes like Superman fought Lex Luthor and Batman constantly battled the Joker, other bad guys would come and go. Kentucky basketball, or as I will call them “Swagneto”, is the same way. Some bad guys will never go away, but recently new faces have emerged and they must be thwarted.



Doctor Dumb (Uconn) is the newest mortal enemy of Swagneto. Currently, they are being punished by the NCAA “Mad Shatters” for failing to meet certain galaxy requirements, thus the name Doctor Dumb. It was only two years ago, D.D. was getting destroyed by every single team in the world, including Swagneto. Later…much later, Swag and D.D. traveled to a faraway tropical island only to see Doctor Dumb sadly become victorious. Nearly 100 days later their battle was reborn, but this time, everything was on the line. Swagneto fought with all its might alas in the end, the Dumb one was crowned king of all humanity (temporarily). Swagneto swore vengeance.


The Captain LAMEricans (Florida) have just recently made their evil presence felt in our world. They have always been superior in another Universe, but now they have flopped and erratically shot their way to “Supervillain” status in this particular Universe. The Lamericans’ strength is showing all Floridians how to be lame on a daily basis.

Their head coach, “Widow’s Twin Peaks” is the master of never developing or coaching his Lamericans. Captain Lamerica’s has many weaknesses: none more obvious than offensive plays and teams that have talent.


The Vanderbilt Braniacs are lead by the Penguin.
 
While this hated rival puts up a valiant effort in the beginning they always falter in the end….every single year. The Braniacs have been annoying Swagneto for some time. Both teams have clashed epically in the Nashville arena famously called “Ridiculous and Terrible Gym!!!”. Their best battles always come against the mighty Swagneto. The Brainiacs have only 1 weakness? Playing away from home.



North Carolina/“2-for-10 Face” claims to be the best in all the land, but a better team, The Duke Krypto-Whites, lay only miles up the road. Their argyle powder blue sweaters and skinny giants make them hard to take seriously, which gives them the element of surprise (and embarrassing). They battle far less superior planets and usually lose. Swagneto recently annihilated 2-for-10 Face in the Tournament of champions. None were left alive.



West Virginia Jugger-NOT’s head man has numerous victories against the Swagneto leader, but has a losing record against hotel room coffee tables and alcohol. Many have played, but few have succeeded. The jugger-not’s home audience is one of the most brutal and vocal on the globe. They would even cause a fellow ultra-super villain like Bobby Knight-mare to blush. Their biggest weakness is class.


Will Swagneto face all his arch nemeses this coming year? Will they save the planet and regain their title as Emperors of Awesomeness? You’ll have to tune in next time to see what happens on….Kentucky vs. the World.

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